Looking back.
It’s crunch time. I have 5 final papers due in 2 weeks. I have started none. I have 4 final exams thereafter. Again, none of which I have started. I should be extremely stressed. I should be freaking out, breaking out, resorting to fast food and highly caffeinated drinks, yet I do not feel the need. Perhaps the fire isn’t hot enough yet, or perhaps this no longer has the power to worry me. Not that I am not concerned, since seminary is a responsibility of mine, but I do not feel like the weight of the world is against me like I might have not so long ago. Truth be told, there is something which concerns me more than school, more than any plight I currently find myself in, perhaps some day, more than life itself.
I have forgotten what it has been like to depend on Him. To seek Him. To go in shame yet receive an embrace that only God can provide. To have faith rewarded. I feel like my heart has been touched again, my spirit stirred once more, my vision cleared, my mind enlightened, my body awakened. I should be bugging out right now, but I am clearly not; I am too excited, too thankful for a moment such as this. It has been some time since I’ve experienced this.
I was browsing my journal tonight since I wanted to check the date of when I started considering seminary. I sort of forgot the details of that time since everything happened so quickly, so I went back for a quick read and it has really helped my current moment feel not so bad. It gets me excited thinking that the things I am learning will some day be used for some purpose, some where. It gets me even more excited when I admit that I don’t know where or when that day might be.
What I do know is that I have been stripped of many things in this past year. I have endured heartache and hardships of various kinds, most of which were the result of my own doing. Certain times have been extremely difficult to say the least, and for the majority of those moments I cannot say I have reacted or coped well. What’s the whole point of sharing this? I think it is because when I have been stripped of everything I realize what is important. Or rather, am reminded of what was essential in the first place, before everything else. In the beginning was God. Pure and simple Genesis 1:1. In the beginning, prior to anything else, God was there.
For quite some time I said God was there, in my beginning, at the top of my list, my number one priority. I certainly fooled myself well, I have all the proper excuses. I am in seminary for crying out loud, isn’t that proof enough that I’m God’s number 1 fan? Oh, how I kid myself so well. It was merely lip service. There was a dash of piety with a lack of honesty, resulting in big bold hypocrisy. I felt like this often times throughout the year. Did I even know my own condition?
Recently, it had gotten to a point where I could no longer live with myself like this. I knew that I had become lukewarm, it was the best way I could describe myself and I hated it. Do you know how tiring that is for a Christian grown in a conservative Chinese church? I didn’t grow up learning much about grace; more about works and saving face, you knowww how asian culture influences the church. I had been working my ass off, but for what? To be reminded that in the end I amount to nothing, that I need to try harder next time? Let me tell you, that is not a good way to fall asleep every night nor a good way to wake up in the morning. Having life dictated by this works-focused melody sucks, period.
I don’t even know what to say any more. I just know that the life of a lukewarm Christian is the worst. I’ve been there, experienced it, lived it for a number of years, and relapsed back into it for who knows how many times. And it always starts off with me paying lip service to God and man. Or busting out the righteous card, making myself sound like I’ve got it good, like I’ve got it going on. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Once I start doing that sort of thing, I begin lying and it all goes downhill from there. Honesty and humility are soon replaced by pride and conceit. This is when God’s position is usurped and complacency settles in as king. Man oh man. Such a fool.
But you live and you learn and since God loves you He is willing to discipline you. I consider the stripping I’ve experienced as discipline. Harsh, but perhaps necessary. Would I learn any other way? Who knows, there is no point in arguing this. Being stripped has hurt a lot. Some days more than others. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed. Some days I stay in bed. But if God was not God, then we might as well stay in bed forever because there would be no hope of a better tomorrow. But because God is God we needn’t take dirt naps just yet, there is more going on, concerning us, than we realize. And the fact that God sacrificed His Son for our sakes is a testament to that- there is hope still. We may not know what tomorrow brings, but believe in the One who holds tomorrow in His hands. I’m not sure where I’ll be after graduating seminary (if I do!). I’m not sure how I will have changed. I do wonder questions like “how will I serve?” or “where will I live?” or “what is she going to be like?”, but in the end I am fine without knowing because He knows, and that is enough for me. For what He knows is something that is good for me, not arbitrary. Otherwise, why else would God send His own Son? Out of love, He came for us, and to appease His Father’s wrath and righteous judgment, He paid for us.
It is time to get back to truly seeking, actively trusting, earnestly longing, and complete brokenness. There is no better place to be.
