a work in progress.
re-pondered the title of my tumblr for a little bit. i mentally rolodex-ed the last few weeks of my life in a few seconds and came to realize the more i grow in knowledge of Him, the more profound grace becomes. it is as great as it is greatly humbling. i wouldn’t have it any other way. life, as a Christian, is ceaselessly interesting. i think i’ve only come to this point because of the one word i’ve dreaded the most growing up in Christendom, and that is “obedience” or another close synonym such as “discipline”. ever since coming to seminary i’ve always heard that we were created to worship something or someone, whether or not that something is God is where things can go awry. you see, i’ve always been repelled by words such as obedience or discipline, thinking that such words implied legalism, forcing me to take on the appearance of these good little Christian children (when we really weren’t, a farce perpetuated by face-keeping asians). i didn’t like it, so i’d go to church just to find my church friends so we could all play hooky together.
fast forward to this awkward phrase people like to categorize as young adulthood and i’ve come to see that ‘yes, i do worship, serve, or live for something, and most of the time it ain’t God’. it tended to be something i greatly desired, thus whatever i worshiped would become an idol before God, one of many i had come to worship through my short 26 years.
i suppose i should have known better. after all, i was raised in a Christian home. son to an elder & a prayerful mother. i attended private Christian high school, i got schooled. i knew my memory verses, i knew all the answers, i could even make cheesy Christian jokes. yet, i think i underestimated the nature of my flesh and the power of sin working in me. matter of fact, i think that’s something i’m still at risk of doing, frequently underestimating the power of sin. if you think about it, all of creation was ruined by adam & eve eating a piece of fruit, disobeying one teeny weeny commandment. and it was great enough to set off the greatest battle for humanity’s soul we have ever come to know. this little bite of fruit required Christ’s broken body and blood shed to rectify things. to vanquish the corrosive powers of sin.
when i get a better grasp of what sin is and the extent God has gone to take care of it, i’m slapped in the face, compelled to no longer see it as something i can continue meddling in, as if in passing. it is a grave matter. furthermore, i am now pretty aware that i mustn’t underestimate my own propensity to flirt with sin. as well as time to stop overestimating my ability to ward off sin. time to right my wrongful worship.
if i’m always worshiping, but unable to clearly judge whether or not i am genuinely worshiping God or an idol, i need to do something (bias). i need to set something up to guard myself from my own self (read: flesh). how can i ensure that i am worshiping God and Him alone? obedience? absolutely, but how do i obey Him? discipline is needed, but without the legalistic connotations. discipline to spend time with Him is the only logical step to take when Christ’s love compels you towards Him. this way i ensure i am actually spending time with Him, worshiping Him, reading about Him, praying, etc. without practical plans and execution my heart’s desires remain merely that, hopes and dreams, unfulfilled.
reflections aside, this semester has been moving along really well. spending time with God is paying the greatest dividends i have ever experienced. the Spirit’s been blessing me tremendously, showing me His power working through so many people, showing me that i can continue serving and trusting in Him, that He in fact is God and worthy of a life of worship and commitment through some undisclosed ministry i’m still working towards to knowing. pretty exciting stuff to say the least. as a matter of fact, the main thing that prompted me to write this was to simply offer a praise report for the things God’s been doing in my life and those around me. i guess by spending more time with Him, i’ve gotten more accustomed to see how He works, and its just been a great joy watching Him go to work. i pray for Him to work, and there He goes. working away. chipping away at people’s hearts, speaking into their lives, its been a great time thus far. i anticipate even more. my latest prayer request has been to be given sensitivity of the Spirit’s movement/workings. rather than asking God to be on my page, i’ve been praying that He’d lead me onto His same page so that i might be used as an instrument for His kingdom’s work. and not just any instrument that i’ve predetermined myself, but to lay that down (notion of i-know-it-all), and i’ve been asking that He’d form me into His custom instrument, His favorite tool. so far, i feel i can basically do anything as long as i know He’s supporting me, its a powerful feeling, to know that He is with and for you. i recently took a spiritual gifts test and the gifts of mercy and shepherding were tied. the third was prophecy- being able to powerfully speak into people’s lives, and i can attest to this. the test results are different than when i had last taken them years ago. God is certainly molding me into something new, towards something i had always thought i was meant to do, but was always too afraid to venture out on my own to attempt, but now that He’s softened me into this pliable matter, i’m really excited for what lies ahead! though i still am not positive what i will become, i think i am moving more towards what i was meant to do/be, through God’s grace, beginning to grasp strengths, and now having them practiced, sharpened, polished.
wow. i just rambled like it was 2002 on xanga. i’ll leave with this passage, i found it particularly liberating and challenging as of late. romans 6:9-11 “we know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over Him. for the death He died He died to sin, once for all, but the life He lives He lives to God. so you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.”
my encouragement to anyone that’s read this far- your loving Savior is not finished loving you. the question i pose in response is this- do you truly accept this love? next, do you love Him in return? a mark of God’s love in your life is to see it holistically overflow from your spiritual compartment to everywhere else. and yes, even to that person you just love to hate. but don’t lose heart. press on, remember. He’s not done with you, He’ll never be :)
