Pastoral Intern.
It has taken me roughly a year to start understanding this position. At first, I was rather excited by the thought of it, but once it became a reality I realized that I was nowhere ready to commit. I felt useless amidst all these talented spiritual giants.
I also entered seminary simultaneously, looking forward to learning more about God, but after the first day of summer Hebrew I realized life was not going to turn out as peachy as I had initially thought. Suddenly, all the green lights seemed to glow amber.
I trudged through the first year in seminary with my faith under fire and it’s by God’s grace I remain in it today. Church-wise, the position and expectations of being a pastoral intern were heavily weighing down on me, and rather than rising to the occasion, I shrunk away. I took flight and found excuse in studying, and when studying became too much, I took off once more, escaping as far from all semblances of responsible living as I could afford without truly forfeiting my last remnant of conscientiousness.
A year later, I’m here now. Seminary is the same, ridiculously demanding. But this title of pastoral intern is no longer as frightening as it used to be. As I’ve come to understand the Gospel more this past year, I realize this position is not so much about what you can offer with your qualifications, abilities, areas of expertise, and etc. It is more about your willingness to worship, be humbled, and trust in obedience before God in all circumstances. It is about being ever mindful of what Christ has done for you, the sinner. Grace. Undeserved. As I’ve chewed and digested this, I’ve come to see the selfless acts of Christ worth emulating because grace was the motivation behind His acts. And since this now abounds in me, I desire for others to know of Him in like manner, and if that means I will undergo hard times, I shall consider this as a way I can offer pleasing worship to God, for He has done the same for me.
It is about time I have it out with my flesh, my idols, my pride, my insecurities, my worries, my fears. And trust in the LORD in the face of all circumstances. What is anything before the LORD? Nothing can be contextualized or justified in such a way as to stand on par with the sovereignty of the LORD. When something seemingly comes close in comparison, it is not the LORD who has fallen, but our hearts, which have faltered once more. How subtly pervasive sin can be!
The implications of what it means to trust in the LORD are far-reaching, far further than anything we are comfortable in giving up our control over. I note this not only to showcase the contradiction between our confessional and practical theology, but rather how stubbornly we continue in relying upon ourselves rather than the LORD. LORD have mercy on us. Rectify our wretched hearts.
Fleshing out the implications of what it means to fully trust in the LORD is something that requires us to continually examine our hearts. No one on this side of heaven will ever perfectly trust because of the presence of sin in our lives, but it is what we have been originally designed to do. In every situation, we are always trusting in something, either the LORD or not.
As I continue to understand more of what it means to serve at GCC, I hope that I better learn how to place all my trust and delight in the LORD. Especially now, as I embark in a new direction, and will undoubtedly be given ample opportunities to either trust, or fret and fail.
