written commitment(s)
This past weekend GCC had its Servants Retreat and one of the points Pastor Charles made was the challenge of a written/verbal commitment.
I don’t see myself as a non-committal type of guy. It’s not like I hear the word commitment and I cringe and flee away from all matters and/or women. I actually try to make many (commitments) with myself and keep them, however since these are taken on in private, and no one knows about them, they are slowly forgotten. Is this a plea for accountability? Not quite, it’s more of a public commitment that I’m really rather reluctant to make for various reasons.
First, there’s a plethora of great material I’m learning over here at WTS. However, many times it’s just too dense for me to break it down and spit it back as something palpable.
Secondly, even if it is dense, that’s no legitimate excuse for not engaging in it. I can justify it all I want, but in the end it’s because I’m lazy. This is something that I need to be doing for the sake of others.
Thirdly, it will help me by learning how to communicate, write, speak better. I’m in my third year now and I know that I desire to serve God. However, I come to a standstill often times when I think of what I’m going to be doing post-grad because I’m not sure of the how I’ll be serving God. So, this will give me an opportunity to develop skills that I’ll certainly need.
Fourth, and possibly the most important, I cannot simply be here and not share the wealth of information that may lead to growth in those around me.
Growing up in a conservative Chinese church, boldness was never a word I would associate the church or myself with. Especially the Christian faith. I always thought of it as a privately pious thing, you know…the whole praying in your closet type of deal. Timidity and solemnity would be words that better describe my idea of Christianity. However, if the God of the Bible is true, then what am I doing living like this? You juxtapose the God of the bible and the god in your mind, and you realize something is amiss. Boldness is certainly part of the equation if the Creator is also your Savior and Friend. However, solemnity is also essential as you stand before Him as His creature. It’s not one or the other, but both, and then some.
Boldness has certainly been a quality that has been missing in my life. Perhaps because I’d fear man more than God. This has been a consistent struggle. Everyday there is a battle like this, whom am I serving today, am I speaking as before God or to please the ears of man? Some would say both, and that is true to some extent, but it is because of God that I would even consider serving man. There is a proper hierarchy that needs to be addressed/maintained otherwise I would not be serving God purely.
I don’t want to make this commitment because I know it will take time and I’ll be expending excessive amounts of energy to write crappy stuff. Some times it’s like pulling teeth which is why I’ve come to write far less often in my time here at WTS. However, I believe this is something I should be doing so that I’d be living this life responsibly because God has put me here and given me various gifts that I need to dust off. So I commit to write at least once every 2 weeks*, and God-willing me and others maybe blessed. I used to enjoy writing, as a matter of fact I used to enjoy lots of things until I became excessive self-conscious. And so this will be one of the actions I’ll be taking against it.
And lastly, I guess a praise report of some sorts. I was asked to lead Sat early morning prayer about two weeks ago and I haven’t really had any preaching experience. Or to be more accurate, I would always shy away from any invitations because I didn’t want to be up there. I would psych myself out so hard that if I ever heard the words “you” and “preach” with a question mark in it, my temperature would skyrocket and I’d want to run away. Fight or flight kind of life-threatening response. Like Eminem puking out his guts in 8 mile. Anyway, it was totally last minute and I had just written a paper on Revelation 21:1-4 and so I preached a sermonette on it and after awhile I actually felt a sense of joy. It was the weirdest thing, the last sort of experience I had expected. Anxiety turned into this bold confidence because it was the Word of God I was talking about. It was no longer a matter of my own authority, but God’s authority. It was like nothing I had ever experienced.
I know it’s out of fear that I say I’m reluctant. However, I am also secretly hopeful that God will use this and other instances in life to beat/embarrass the fear-of-man out of me, and replace it with the joy that comes from being in His presence.
*I’ve sighed countless times writing this post.
