2 months time.
it has been about 2 months since i’ve returned from short term missions. it has been about a month since i’ve returned to seminary. yet despite all this time i’ve had to reacquaint and transition back to life here, i am not who i used to be. i find myself in the mindset of yesteryear, like when i lived in taiwan for half a year and upon returning back home, i continued living out of my suitcase for months. it took me about half a year to completely unpack and put away the suitcase. a similar story is developing here and now. i’ve moved into my new apartment but i’ve taken weeks to set up. my room is still barely lived-in, my desk a lightly scattered mess, with a bare sense of home and habit.
perhaps the idea of permanence, of not being able to get up and go wherever i please at any one time bothers me. perhaps the idea of committing my next 3 years to the task of seminary is far more daunting than i initially thought, and now, i realize my legs are not as strong as they once were. i falter, i incur injuries, i am weary, susceptible to changes in the weather.
i know i’m weak and tired. i’m not advocating escapism albeit in all honesty, it is a constant battle i must partake in, lest the white flag goes up in default. i know where i must go to find respite. everything else will just have to wait.
the older we all get, the less resilient we become. the less we can “restart”, the more life seems to be playing for keeps. the stakes keep rising, life seems to demand more urgency with each new day. if my dependence upon Him is not greater than these, then i will not be able to rise above.
i wish i could tivo life. i’d certainly wear out the pause button.
