Christians. A very loaded word. Ambiguous at best. Loosely used, poorly defined, no longer retaining semblance of the original. Many Christians come to a point in their life where they are startled by the difficulties implied by the term. I think a major reason for this is because when sermons are preached, only one side of the coin is shown. Yes, the grace is freely given. Salvation is yours for the taking! So on and so forth, but i think this results in false advertisement and is quite misleading. As if all will be well after you become a Christian; after you come to believe in Christ and strive to life according to His ways. They do not present to you the difficulties immediately, perhaps scared that the new converts, or curious, will be turned away by its demands. To be a Christian means you are committed to living for Christ. Committed to living for Him is not a light matter. It means you will consistently live the rest of your life in conflict with yourself and the world. This is difficult since we are naturally sinners, meaning we naturally sin rather than withhold. It means the world is also naturally our friend rather than our enemy. This equation is not one that is easy to accept or fully comprehend at first. I could not emphasis this understatement any more than I already have. The other side of the coin is not for the light-hearted. It is not for those that have issues with commitment, poor diligence, and a weak will of perseverance. The grace is not to be underestimated either, but I cannot help but see the difficulties and corresponding failures more than the success or advancement. There is no doubt in my mind that Christians do not know what they are getting into when they first believe. Their fervor supersedes all else at the moment, but soon the flare reduces to a dim amber.
It is no surprise to me that many Christians begin to only use the term loosely. As some sort of indicator of their identity that they hold onto ever so lightly. This is not said to place blame on them, but rather to point out the obvious. As a Christian, I take 3 steps forward and I rejoice in it, but in only a short matter of time I fall back 1 pace. I then may make one more step forward only to shortly thereafter fall 3 steps back. Logically, I remain where I started and if I were a machine, I would think of ways to make myself more efficient and try again, but sadly, I am not a machine. Rather, I do not see that I am where I have started, I do not say I am happy since I did not slide back further from where I first began (though I should), but instead, I am weary from these travels. I grow tired of trying and failing. It almost seems as if progress is synonymous with regression. After living like this for some time, weariness feels complete, inescapable. As if I have come beneath its power, and I succumb to defeat. I succumb and begin to realize that though I may try with all my might, I will only fall again, despite my greatest efforts. And one’s “greatest efforts” diminish after each one of these perpetual cycles of forward-reverse, defeat. It is obvious that me and many others become disheartened. That is to state the obvious. An understatement that is not given enough attention. Why speak of ideals when in reality, we do not live in an ideal world, when we ourselves are not ideal beings, but rather broken and fallen? Why believe when our greatest propensity is to sin rather than withhold? Why fight when we will only lose later on? Practically speaking, it seems to me illogical to continue in this way and I think many others also come to this conclusion. This is why many leave. Or many merely loosely call themselves a Christian. Perhaps no longer an indicator of their identity, but rather a passing memory of who they once were, or once aspired to be. The word hope loses all its meaning, and becomes a feigned notion we place a desperate plea upon. Yet even this hope is quickly dismantled when we realize, after all, is reality.
And so the story goes. Many give up, few press on. Yet I do not believe because they are stronger, I believe they too are struggling greatly with the knowledge that it is only a matter of time before they fall, just a bit beyond, just a bit shy of what they are able to reconcile. Everyone has a certain quality of strength to them, but in this reality, there will always come a time when they are faced with seemingly insurmountable obstacles, or irreconcilable failure, where even if they muster all their strength to get up and try again, it is to no avail. And so, such a person joins the majority, and the minority becomes that much smaller. And oh how that minority struggles, especially when they see one that they used to consider a comrade has fallen and no longer wishes to get back up. So the minority continue on, weary, broken, battered, some walking, most crawling. Hoping for a day when they may lick their wounds and recuperate. But that day will never come. This is reality, this is the world in which we live. This is the life of the average Christian. And if it remains like this, then it is only a matter of time before all fall and no longer try. The semblance of a Christian is no longer seen in them. Their joy has long been forgotten, they are desperately struggling to keep their amber warm. They are so crushed that they no longer try to keep it hot, since such intense heat requires great effort. But again, this great effort has been diminished. So now, when they exert all their effort, they only produce the faintest whisper, the slightest breeze as to keep their amber from smoldering into ash.
These are my observations on the life of the traveling Christian. The one who is seeking, trying, failing, falling, and getting up once more only to be beaten and knocked down again. If the story stops here, then we are all doomed to disheartenment. All notions of hope, true or feigned, are dispelled from our minds and heart. Joy has long been forgotten. When we are faced with such realities, darkness is upon us and we grow accustomed to it. We no longer remember the pleasantries we experienced in the light, rather we have become well-adapted to the darkness. If light were to come now, we would hide from it, it is too bright, it is simply too much to bear. What it once resembled to us is different than the way we now perceive it. Yes, let us be comfortable in this darkness, let us find a source of warmth and comfort in this darkness. Let us make this our new home, as living in the light is impossible for me, for you, for us finite creatures. These are the unspoken, albeit personal, conclusions of Christianity today.
So what can we do? Nothing. There is nothing we can do. In fact, just reflect at what we have done and tried, but failed in achieving. It is not as if we have folded simply out of fear or threat. I give the majority the benefit of the doubt, that all have tried, yet all have failed. That’s just the way it is. We have tried, we have given our best, though greatest efforts were still only spent in vain. In reality, we are far worse than where we have started. We acknowledge our limitations. We realize our dire situation, one without any semblance of hope, but rather displaced by hopelessness. Why try to be a Christian if this is the reward, the outcome? It would have been better to not take on this mantle in the first place. It would have been better to not try at all, then to know I have tried yet failed. After all, what does result from this besides that of failure? Nothing but a bitter taste remains. We end up far worse than where we first started. This is the depravity and fallibility of man manifested. Man, by himself can do nothing. I am only stating the obvious once more.
Reality and our experiences have taught us all of the aforementioned. We have been conditioned by our own efforts and subsequent disappointments and failures. We have done all we can. We have cried, we have strived, we have become desperate, we have sought, we have thought of new ways, we have made radical changes, all of which were done in the hopes that we ourselves would change. That we would somehow would be able to break free from the bondage of this perpetual cycle. Yet, all of this has ended in defeat. Ultimately, I have come to believe that it is impossible that we get it right. That we succeed, that our efforts would result in anything good, in any permanent forward motion, where progress is not synonymous with regression. It is impossible for us. We cannot accomplish this on our own. It is simply not possible, and even if I try to refute this harsh truism, I only need to look at my current situation, or my past and I will have no choice but to agree. The past speaks for itself, my present situation does not look any better, nor is there any hope in my future. All has been in vain. And so that’s how I see it. And I believe that’s how many have also come to see it.
What I find most perplexing is that the christianity I described above is not Christianity at all. Where is Christ in any of this? Nowhere. He has not been mentioned. He has not been received. I have tried all of these things on my own, by my own strength, my own volition. But such resources are always limited and quickly spent. I realize this, and this is why I burn out, why we turn astray. Yet, we who are guilty of this have missed the main purpose. The grace of God. The gift of Christ. From what I have said above it is obvious we cannot accomplish anything on our own, but disappointment. Thus, the gift of Christ was an absolute necessity. Without Christ, then the above would be the true reality, and we would all be doomed. But this is why Christ is so vital to our faith. This is why the grace of God is so powerful. We are humbled when we realize we cannot achieve anything on our own, yet God gives us His grace and lifts us up out of ourselves, simply because He loves us. We do not deserve it, yet He loved us so much He sacrificed His own Son for us so that we would not be chained to the cycle. In Him, we humble ourselves, remembering all of our inadequacies, yet He gently says to us it is all right, and that My grace is sufficient. Instantaneously, our amber is restored to the its original condition. It is burning now, but this time the source of the fire, the fuel, has nothing to do with our efforts. Rather it comes in the form of God’s grace. What we as humans are responsible for is appreciating God’s gracious gift, Jesus Christ. If we do that, then are simultaneously humbling ourselves, remembering our limitations, yet also praising God for what He has done, essentially lifting up out of our worlds of darkness. This is the power of God. This is the joy that we need to know, that we need to constantly reflect upon, and live lives accordingly. Otherwise, this joy will quickly be dissipated by our own actions and volition, only resulting in the re-orientation with darkness.
This is the definition of Christianity that I think needs to be proclaimed. If we are not reminded of this, we are essentially sending all others to despair. Not that the message in itself is bad, but how is it done, how is this applied and lived out in this reality? How can we truly live as true Christians in this reality without succumbing to our own fallen selves or the world of darkness that seeks to engulf us? This is a friendly reminder to myself, and to all others because I believe this is the essence of Christianity. If this is dismissed or quickly glossed over, we are giving people over to failure, our words and actions as Christians to others will only be self-defeating at best. Why simply show someone their brokenness without any practical, real, tangible hope? It would be better not to speak at all. But if we do speak, let us speak humbly and truthfully.
Yet, despite whatever has been said, it is not the same as experiencing this grace first-hand. It needs to be felt, only then is it truly known. Only then will hope be restored in the midst of our previously dark and broken despair. As a result, we are changed. We no longer do things on our own, but rather admit to God’s working. We needn’t suffer any longer in the ways we once have, but are essentially freed from ourselves. This change that occurs, and the continual effort in maintaining this perspective is what makes a Christian- one of Christ’s.
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